


Bokuto's Problem

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Heterosexuality, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Intercrural Sex, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, Rumors, Scratching, Self-Harm, not the sexual kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-08 19:21:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8857714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Bokuto has a problem: he's in love with his best friend.





	1. A Realisation

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this last month, which is why it's one more stressful fic.

It was just like any other day. Fukurodani was having a joint practice with Nekoma, and Bokuto was excited to be able to play with Kuroo. At times like this he thought fondly about the time when they had met and instantly known that they were meant to be best friends.

Even now he looked at Kuroo, admiring his friend with a goofy grin on his face. Kuroo turned to look at him as he wiped his face onto the hem of his shirt, abdomen and a soft trail of hair running down to his pants exposed, and he grinned and waved. Bokuto waved back, his smile widening. Then Kuroo did something that he had done before, but this time it felt different; Kuroo blew Bokuto a kiss, shirt still slightly raised, and suddenly Bokuto felt like Kuroo had actually kissed him. His heart jumped, and a blush creeped up to his face. A little stunned he made a gesture of being hit hard with the kiss as if it was a bullet, and he heard Kuroo howl with laughter as he dropped to his knees, holding his chest.

The sound of Kuroo’s voice felt different, and Bokuto was glad that he had chosen to pretend to be dead so he had a moment to focus again, push the funny feelings aside before getting up. But when he looked at Kuroo again, the feeling was back, and from that moment onward he was unable to focus on the game again.

Akaashi tried his best to calm him, but every time Bokuto saw Kuroo and how his hair was sticking to his face or how a drop of sweat made him wipe the tip of his nose, he lost his balance and couldn’t see the ball anymore.

He could hear the team groaning in frustration, and he couldn’t blame them. In fact, he was probably the person who was the most frustrated in the entire room, but there was nothing he could do about it.

When they lost another set to Nekoma, Bokuto yelled in anger and left, kicking the floor on his way, hands tight fists on his sides. He was useless, absolutely useless, and there was something wrong with him. He heard someone coming after him.

“Akaashi, go away,” he yelled and started running.

He was inconsolable, the only loser in the team, and it was better for Akaashi to use his energy on being the best setter possible instead of trying to change what Bokuto was. It was a character flaw, and it would never be fixed. It was like having an incurable disease that you had to live with for the rest of your life, dreading for the day when it would consume you so totally that you’d finally die and stop being a bother to everyone around you.

“Stop,” a voice commanded, and Bokuto tripped on his own feet.

He chose to stay down on the ground, forehead resting on the grass and body heavy with confusion.

“What’s up with you today?” Kuroo asked from above him.

Bokuto mumbled something so it wouldn’t appear like he wasn’t talking to Kuroo for some odd reason. His heart was beating faster again, and the funny feeling from before was back.

“Okay,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto glanced to the side to see Kuroo lay down next to him, facing the ground just like Bokuto.

Kuroo was so cute and thoughtful, Bokuto thought, and wanted to punch that thought out of himself.

“So,” Kuroo mumbled to the ground. “What’s wrong?”

Bokuto snorted and saw Kuroo smile.

“Made you laugh!” Kuroo exclaimed and turned to look at Bokuto, his cheek now resting on the grass.

Bokuto rolled his eyes and turned his head to Kuroo as well. There was dirt stuck on Kuroo’s forehead, and Bokuto guessed that the situation was the same for him.

“Talk to me,” Kuroo said. “I know you get like that sometimes, but today was really unusual, even for you.”

“Even for me,” Bokuto repeated.

“Is there something worrying you?” Kuroo asked.

“I’m just shit,” Bokuto replied.

He really wanted to turn his head away again, but Kuroo looked so cute with his cheek pressed onto the grass and a gentle look in his eyes that Bokuto couldn’t help wanting to keep looking. While it made him happy to see Kuroo like that, the feelings inside him were pushing him closer to anxiety. He didn’t want to go there, but what could he possibly do to stop it?

“You’re not,” Kuroo said. “You just get distracted, I guess.”

“You guess,” Bokuto mumbled, and hoped that Kuroo hadn’t noticed that the source of his distraction was his best friend.

“Well, it’s not like you’ve ever really taken the time to explain it to me,” Kuroo said, “so I have to work with the little information I’ve got. Should I ask Akaashi, or will you tell me?”

Bokuto sighed.

“I think I really did get distracted today,” he said quietly.

“Alright,” Kuroo said and waited for Bokuto to continue, but Bokuto stayed quiet. “And what was it that distracted you?”

Kuroo smiled expectantly and Bokuto really wanted to reach out and touch his cheek. He felt his face heating up, himself getting flustered, and anxiety was still crawling closer.

“I think I just,” he said slowly, trying to figure out a way to satisfy Kuroo without revealing the truth. “I guess I just happened to realise something.”

“Oh?” Kuroo replied. “What did you realise?”

Kuroo’s hair looked soft in spite of being so sweaty. His thin lips looked soft too, and Bokuto really wanted to kiss him to find out what they would feel like against his, if it would be anything like kissing a girl.

“There’s someone I like,” Bokuto blurted out, face immediately heating up, and he knew that it was the kind of a blush that spread all the way to his ears.

“Ooh,” Kuroo said with a smirk. “Give me details!”

“I don’t really know,” Bokuto said, grasping for any thoughts that would help him divert the conversation to something else, anything else.

“Don’t be shy,” Kuroo said and smiled, encouragement written all over his face.

If only he knew what he was trying to encourage. Bokuto wondered how long it would take for Kuroo to go from happy to disgusted if he told him the truth.

“What kind of girls do you like?” Bokuto asked in panic.

Kuroo raised his eyebrow to the question.

“That was unexpected,” he said.

“I want to know,” Bokuto said. “It never came up before.”

Kuroo hummed in response. Bokuto waited for him to say something. He waited for Kuroo to fix the situation, to say anything that would push these inconvenient feelings away from him.

“I guess I don’t really have a type,” Kuroo said after a long silence.

He turned to lie on his back. Bokuto watched him. Kuroo looked up to the sky.

“I guess someone who’s easy-going,” he continued. “I don’t know. Someone with a good body and a good sense of humour.”

“What is a good body?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo squirmed, a small frown appearing on his face.

“Well, you know,” Kuroo said with a gesture of his hand. “I guess tall.”

“Tall,” Bokuto repeated.

He wasn’t sure what to think. Kuroo was unusually quiet about the subject, and Bokuto was starting to hope that he had chosen a different topic, one that would have made Kuroo talk eagerly.

“But what about you?” Kuroo asked and turned to look at Bokuto again. “Tell me about your crush.”

Bokuto still had the urge to turn his head away, but his body felt too heavy to move. He averted his eyes from Kuroo, looking to the ground, to the individual blades of grass that grew up from the dark soil and tickled Kuroo’s skin. He blew one away from his nose.

“I guess,” he said slowly, “black hair and quite tall.”

“Ah,” Kuroo said and nodded.

“Really cute at times,” Bokuto continued, eyes focused on the one blade of grass that was right next to Kuroo’s shoulder. “Then sometimes really graceful and gorgeous.”

“Sounds like a great girl,” Kuroo said somewhat dreamily.

“I guess,” Bokuto said.

His nervous excitement of being around Kuroo was quickly being replaced by sadness, and he knew that anxiety was too close. It would hit him, it was a waiting game now, and he closed his eyes.

“You going to ask her out?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto opened his eyes, looking at Kuroo’s arm that was resting on the grass, the shadow of his shirt a clean line on his tanned skin.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Bokuto said truthfully enough.

“Why?” Kuroo asked.

“It just isn’t,” Bokuto replied.

His voice had gotten angry. His sadness was sliding into anger, and that was it. He pushed himself up from the ground. Kuroo looked up at him, a funny look in his eyes, but Bokuto couldn’t focus on it. He was itching all over, his lungs being pressed by an invisible force over his chest, and he needed to get away from it.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, but Bokuto turned away and ran.

His footsteps masked any sound of Kuroo getting up or going after him. He ran as fast as he could, hoping that Kuroo wasn’t so familiar with the school that it would be easy for him to follow.

When he got indoors, Bokuto slowed down, still hurrying forward until he reached the bathroom where he had been headed. He swiftly opened the door and stepped inside. It was empty, just like he had hoped. He marched to the farthest stall and locked himself inside.

It was hard to breathe, although his lungs were filling with air normally. It was just the feeling of breathing, the invisible constraints on his chest and ribs that made it bad, and he sat down onto the toilet. Without a second thought he rolled down one of his kneepads, pressed his nails right above the knee and pulled up as hard as he could. His nails kept getting caught on the skin, the burn sharp and painful, and he went slowly, taking in the feeling until he got up to the top of his thigh. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

After a moment Bokuto opened his eyes and looked down to his leg. His skin was slightly torn on places, small patches of darker red on the spots where it had peeled. The scratches were long and red, pink turning darker, and Bokuto looked at all the four lines on his skin. He ran a finger over them, feeling how the lines were raised from the healthy skin, and all the while the pain subsided. It was easier to breathe, and he slowly rolled the kneepad back in place.

There was a sense of calm that took over him, and he leaned back, looking up to the ceiling that had pipes running across it. It was okay. He was alive. He had survived.

Bokuto returned to practice so much later that the next set was being played already. He apologised to the coach and was put on the bench for the time being. He didn’t mind. It was a good place for him, in the side-lines. At least he couldn’t mess it all up from there.

The rest of the practice Bokuto made sure to not look at Kuroo unless it was absolutely necessary for the game. He hid away after they finished, lurking in a closet until he was sure that most of the others had left. He slipped into the locker room, swiftly changed his clothes and headed out.

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi’s voice cut the air the moment Bokuto emerged from the building.

He groaned out loud but stopped.

“What’s wrong?” Akaashi asked.

Bokuto looked at him helplessly. He was desperate to simply put the matter to rest and never have to think about it again.

“A bad day?” he tried to suggest.

Akaashi frowned. Bokuto knew that Akaashi wasn’t stupid. Akaashi was smart and, in fact, he was brilliant, and Bokuto didn’t compare at all, he wasn’t worthy of Akaashi’s attention at all.

“Bokuto-san, please,” Akaashi said. “I want to help you.”

“You can’t help me with this,” Bokuto said before realising what it meant.

Akaashi sighed.

“If there’s anything I can do to help,” he still offered.

Bokuto shook his head. He didn’t even want to imagine what it would be like for him to tell Akaashi what had distracted him. How would Akaashi look at him if he knew that his senior was gay?

“What is it, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked.

Bokuto realised that he was making a horrified look as he was thinking about sharing the truth with Akaashi. He blinked and turned his head away.

“Nothing,” he said. “I better go home now.”

“Kuroo-san is waiting for you,” Akaashi said.

“Of course he is,” Bokuto mumbled and wondered which way he should go to avoid seeing Kuroo.

“You’re not going to avoid him, are you?” Akaashi asked, following Bokuto’s line of sight.

“O- Of course not!” Bokuto said and laughed obnoxiously, making his way forward.

Akaashi was following, and Bokuto couldn’t bring himself to try to avoid seeing Kuroo because it would make Akaashi suspicious, and when Akaashi was suspicious he would eventually find out all of Bokuto’s secrets, because Bokuto would be outsmarted so easily, Akaashi would definitely pry out each and every one of his most shameful secrets.

“Bokuto!” Kuroo greeted him.

“Hey,” he said in return, awkwardly looking to the ground and trying to quickly come up with a reason to leave.

“See you tomorrow, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said before saying his goodbyes to Kuroo as well and walking away.

“Dude, you were acting really strange today,” Kuroo said.

“Oh,” Bokuto’s answer was stiff.

He took a step forward, and Kuroo easily followed.

“Is there something wrong?” Kuroo asked. “You know you can always tell me.”

Bokuto hummed in response. This certainly was something that he could never ever tell anyone, but the least of all to Kuroo.

“Well,” Kuroo said easily, “you don’t have to. But I’m your friend and I’m always here for you, okay.”

Bokuto nodded. They walked in silence, and Bokuto could feel Kuroo watching him. He could feel the eyes on his side, and he turned his head away more and more until he wasn’t even looking forward.

“Hey, watch out!” Kuroo said and pulled Bokuto towards him.

Bokuto whipped his head around and realised he had nearly walked into a pole. Kuroo laughed but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh too. He looked at the spot on his arm where Kuroo had held him, and thought about the way his heart had jumped at that touch, at the weird sense of “he’s going to kiss me” he had felt at the moment of Kuroo’s touch.

“Hey,” Kuroo said when Bokuto quickly continued walking. “Hey, wait up!”

Kuroo took a few running steps to catch up to him and stopped him on his tracks.

“Are you crying?” Kuroo asked and tried to make Bokuto turn around and face him.

“No!” Bokuto said, and it was only partly a lie.

He wasn’t really crying – at least not yet. He knew that his eyes were getting wet, they were getting filled with tears, and he blinked furiously to make them go away.

“What’s happened?” Kuroo asked, worry penetrating his voice so thoroughly that Bokuto had to look at him, had to look into his dark eyes that looked like melted chocolate in the sun.

Bokuto shook his head, but Kuroo placed a hand on his shoulder. The touch was firm and it made Bokuto want to lean closer, to take one tiny step forward and press against Kuroo and feel how warm his entire body was.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, voice breaking with concern. “Tell me. What’s upsetting you?”

Bokuto shook his head again and frowned. How could he possibly explain anything to Kuroo when he was only getting used to the thought himself? He felt stupid for never having realised how much being close to Kuroo made him breathe more easily, how it always cleared up the clouds from his mind and how he was always ready to ditch anything if he could just be with Kuroo. How had he never realised that the way he sometimes paused just to look at the way his friend’s hair stood up or how his smirk was slightly crooked and how his smile was always the most beautiful thing he had ever witnessed.

Just like Kuroo’s worry was shaking Bokuto’s core, it made him want to break his resolve of disappearing from the earth and never showing his face to anyone ever again. It made his heart weep, and he never wanted to see Kuroo looking like that, especially when it was because of him.

“If I tell you,” he started hesitantly, “you’ll see me in a different way.”

Kuroo frowned.

“What do you mean?” he asked, although Bokuto was pretty sure that Kuroo knew exactly what he meant.

Kuroo was smart, just like Akaashi, and right now it was making Bokuto feel inferior, he was so small compared to everyone else, and the anxiety he had already once had to swat away was creeping closer again.

“You won’t like me anymore,” Bokuto said, and blushed at how it sounded almost like they were already something more than friends.

“That can’t be true,” Kuroo said and took a hold of Bokuto’s hand.

The place where his hand had rested against Bokuto’s shoulder felt cold now, and Bokuto shivered.

“Please?” Kuroo said quietly. “Will you tell me?”

Bokuto didn’t really want to, but he nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground.

“Not here,” he said. “It’s a secret.”

Kuroo nodded and let go of Bokuto’s hand when they turned forward again. Bokuto missed the brief touch of his friend, wanted to reach back and take a hold of Kuroo’s hand, but pressed his hand into a fist instead, so hard that his nails were digging into his skin. It was also chasing the anxiety away. It was perfect.

They arrived at Bokuto’s house. His parents weren’t home yet, as usual. They made their way to his room, and Kuroo sat on the floor on the usual spot. Bokuto hesitated before sitting down next to him.

Kuroo was too close to comfort, and Bokuto wondered if he could discreetly move away without making Kuroo suspicious. Now that they were in his room and getting ready for a conversation, he was starting to regret his decision of talking to Kuroo in the first place. He should have ignored Akaashi and hid somewhere until Kuroo was gone and then ignored everyone until he would eventually be forgotten. He shuffled away from Kuroo and received a disappointed look from his friend.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto took a while before he looked up to his friend. Kuroo was looking at him pensively, and Bokuto really wanted to tell him to leave if he couldn’t kiss him – which he obviously couldn’t do.

“Are you…” Kuroo started to ask but then seemed to decide differently. “Is there something you’ve heard about me?”

“Huh?” was Bokuto’s only reply.

“I take that as a no,” Kuroo said, but now he was starting to look as uneasy as Bokuto felt.

“What would I have heard about you?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo shook his head.

“I’ll tell you later,” he said. “You had something to tell me. A secret.”

Bokuto blushed at Kuroo’s words, although they were his own. He swallowed and wondered if there was a way for him to get out of the situation. He could lie. He could come up with a phony secret and get Kuroo off his back.

Kuroo’s eyes were intense and Bokuto just couldn’t bear to look. He had brought this situation upon himself and now he had to fix it. He had no idea how, as his head was not collaborating to his scheme of coming up with a fake secret. The only thing he could think about was the way Kuroo always made him so happy that he really just wanted to spend every day of his life with his best friend.

“Please, don’t hate me,” he said, voice timid and unusually high.

His face was burning and anxiety had settled into the pit of his stomach, just waiting for the best moment to crack and spread all over his body, and then he would be in trouble.

“I will never hate you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto peeked at him from behind his brows. He looked as kind as ever, exactly the way that Bokuto immediately wanted to believe it and spill out all his secrets. His heart, however, was pounding hard, hands shaking so he pressed them onto his thighs to stop it, but he felt like the shake only spread onto his legs.

“I like you, Kuroo,” he said, quick, and his eyes were closed.

It was quiet, silent, too quiet. Kuroo wasn’t moving, and Bokuto was starting to think that maybe he had imagined it all. Maybe Kuroo wasn’t in the room at all, it was all just his intense imagination and anxiety about what happened earlier making him hallucinate so vividly he had thought it was all true.

Slowly Bokuto opened his eyes. Kuroo was there, right in front of him. He carefully looked up to his friend’s face, and was startled by the look on it.

Kuroo looked hurt, slightly angry, maybe a tiny bit disgusted too, and Bokuto had known that his was going to happen, he had known yet he had done what was against every single self-preservative measure that he had set up for himself and told Kuroo his secret, the secret that he had only known himself since the very same afternoon. He had been such a fool to believe that Kuroo wouldn’t hate him, of course he would. It was wrong to like him, it was wrong to want to kiss him and hold his hand because they were boys, they were supposed to be friends and nothing more, and they were both supposed to find girlfriends that they could later marry and have perfect lives.

“I didn’t think you would do this to me, Bokuto,” Kuroo finally said.

Bokuto looked at him. He felt like a puppy that had just been kicked, his entire body slumping under Kuroo’s glare.

“I’m sorry,” Bokuto said, but he was looking at Kuroo’s knees, the floor beside them, the fabric of his sweatpants, how bright the red was, how bright and red.

“You’re sorry,” Kuroo repeated with a flat voice. “Cool.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Bokuto said, voice going even more quiet, because Kuroo had looked at him like he was trash, just a bug to step on, and he didn’t deserve to be friends with someone as amazing as Kuroo.

“You didn’t mean it,” Kuroo repeated sarcastically, “yet you still said it.”

Bokuto flinched. He hoped that somehow his body could turn into a liquid and he could seep through the floorboards and disappear.

“I didn’t want to tell you,” Bokuto said. “But then you insisted.”

He was getting close to tears, and the anxiety had finally found its place over his chest, starting to press down.

Kuroo made a confused sound at that, but Bokuto couldn’t look up. The anxiety was pulling his head down too, making his shrink into himself, and it was getting hard to breathe again.

“I didn’t want to tell you,” Bokuto repeated. “I’m sorry for being such a horrible person. I don’t deserve your friendship, and after this you probably don’t even want to be my friend anymore.”

Kuroo thought for a moment.

“Could you just clarify something?” he asked.

Bokuto didn’t react. He wanted to shake his head, he really wanted to get out, but it was his room, his home, where was he to go? His ribs were feeling the pressure now, his body constricting against his lungs.

“If you didn’t want to say it, why did you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto felt the need to bow down for Kuroo, apologise and make sure that Kuroo understood that he had no obligation to keep being his friend. Instead he sniffed quietly, pressing his hands harder against his legs, and gasping for breath.

“I was so stupid,” Bokuto said, voice not much more than a whisper. “I made myself believe that it wouldn’t really make a difference, that you really wouldn’t hate me for it, and I should have known better. Of course it changes everything, of course it does. You deserve someone much better, I know that.”

“Wait, wait,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto did wait, eyes squeezed shut and struggling to maintain normal breathing.

“That just doesn’t make any sense to me, Bokuto,” Kuroo said. “If you knew it was going to hurt me, then why make such a joke in the first place?”

Bokuto’s entire body jerked when he heard the word.

“Joke?” he whispered, finally looking up at Kuroo. “A joke?”

This was his opportunity, yes. Now he could laugh and brush it off as a stupid joke, and things would go back to normal, good.

“You think it was a joke,” he said instead, sudden tears filling his eyes as he looked back down.

His feelings were so outrageous that Kuroo couldn’t even take them seriously. He was a joke. Bokuto was a complete joke, and he had always known it, he had always known, but to hear it from his best friend was something that he had trouble dealing with.

“Hey,” Kuroo said, voice so loud it echoed in Bokuto’s head and he cowered away. “Bokuto. Are you saying you were serious?”

Bokuto had never felt such intense anxiety, and he didn’t know what to do. He needed for Kuroo to leave, he needed to be alone so he could bring some sense of normalcy back in him.

“Were you serious?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded, head jerky and arms wrapping around his own body to keep himself intact.

“You like me?” Kuroo asked, voice full of surprise, and Bokuto couldn’t listen any longer.

“I need to go,” he said and somehow managed to get up.

Kuroo called for him, but he didn’t stop before he was safely locked inside the bathroom. Without hesitation he pulled his slacks off and scratched up his thigh. It was the same thigh he had already scratched before, and it hurt more, it was more intense, and he whimpered quietly as his nails dug into his skin, getting caught in the same spots as before, and he used as much pressure as he possibly could to slowly drag up the length of the thigh.

When he was finished, the anxiety had subsided. He could breathe and he looked in the mirror. His face looked stupid, his stupid face and his stupid feelings that had turned his eyes red when he nearly cried. He looked at his leg. His slacks were all crumbled around his ankles, his thigh starting to slowly turn redder, and he saw tiny droplets of blood surfacing in the places where his skin had suffered the most. He looked at the lines on his thigh, and breathed deeply before reaching for some toilet paper to wipe away the blood.

It was easy. There was no more blood. The scratches burned, but it was easier to be.

Then there was a knock on the door and Bokuto jumped.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo’s voice came muffled through the door. “Come out.”

Bokuto stared at the door in horror, suddenly convinced that he had forgotten to lock it, but the lock showed him red. He threw the blood stained paper into the bin and slowly pulled his slacks up. His thigh burned and he turned to face the door.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo tried again and knocked. “Please. Let’s talk.”

Bokuto wanted to tell him to leave, he wanted to be alone, but he also wanted to hear what Kuroo would say. He didn’t know what it was that he wanted exactly, and that’s why he finally reached for the lock and slowly turned it open.

The lock clicked. Bokuto lowered his arm. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to face Kuroo.

Kuroo opened the door and looked at him with worry.

“Bokuto,” he said, and Bokuto had never thought that someone could say his name in a way that made his heart do funny things. “I’m sorry.”

Bokuto didn’t know why Kuroo was apologising. He was the one who was supposed to say sorry, to promise, to swear that he would never say anything quite as stupid again. He would probably have to lose Kuroo’s friendship to make up for it, but it was right, it was what he deserved.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like I don’t take your feelings seriously,” Kuroo said, and then he took a step forward to hug Bokuto.

Bokuto froze, but Kuroo kept hugging him, warm body against his own, tightly and reassuringly, and Bokuto still didn’t know how to take it.

“Come on,” Kuroo said then. “Let’s go back to your room and talk.”

Kuroo pulled Bokuto behind him. It was good, because Bokuto wasn’t sure where he was supposed to go, and Kuroo made him sit down on the same spot as before, and Bokuto did, he sat so close to Kuroo that their knees were brushing together, until Kuroo turned so that his knee was pressing against Bokuto’s thigh.

“You look scared,” Kuroo said and leaned closer to brush Bokuto’s cheek with his gentle fingers.

Bokuto jerked back, and Kuroo hesitated. Bokuto was staring, Kuroo was beautiful even when he was confused, but Bokuto hated being the source of his confusion.

“I’m not going to leave you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto might never understand how Kuroo knew him so well. He didn’t have to say anything and Kuroo already knew.

“Let me explain,” Kuroo said. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings by doubting you. It’s just been a really crazy week in school.”

“Why?” Bokuto asked and was pleased to hear that his voice sounded almost normal.

Kuroo bit his lip.

“I don’t know how or why,” he said, “but someone started a rumour that I’m gay.”

Bokuto’s heart sank. The way Kuroo said it was implication enough that there was no way Kuroo was really gay.

“I don’t know if they just made it up,” Kuroo continued, “or if they actually saw me kiss that guy...”

“What?” Bokuto asked, unable and unwilling to believe what Kuroo had just said.

“It’s true, Bokuto,” Kuroo said. “I’m gay.”

Bokuto felt his heart burn. It would have been easier if Kuroo wasn’t interested in men in the first place, but to be turned down because Kuroo already had someone that he was willing to kiss somewhere where people could see, it was insufferable. Bokuto wondered if the anxiety would leave him for good now that he didn’t have a heart anymore.

“The guy I kissed,” Kuroo continued, and Bokuto wanted to shut him up. “We were on a date.”

“That’s enough,” Bokuto said, tired voice so quiet compared to Kuroo’s.

“No, Bokuto, I need to tell you,” Kuroo insisted.

“I don’t want to know,” Bokuto said.

He was thinking of actually lifting his hands to his ears to block out everything Kuroo said, but he was too tired, suddenly he was tired and his body heavy.

“Yes, you do,” Kuroo insisted and immediately continued. “I agreed to go on a date with him because he asked, and because I thought that my feelings for you would never be returned.”

Bokuto’s head felt like it was full of question marks, question after another blocking all his thoughts, and Kuroo was smiling.

“I like you too, Bokuto,” Kuroo said.

“No,” was the first thing out of Bokuto’s mouth.

This was not real. He was imagining everything, he was dreaming, and he would feel like such a fool when he’d wake up.

“Why not?” Kuroo asked.

“Because these things don’t happen to me,” Bokuto mumbled in reply.

“What things?” Kuroo asked.

“Happy things,” Bokuto said. “Good things. You.”

“Well, I was already your friend,” Kuroo said with a smirk.

“I don’t get to have someone like you,” Bokuto whispered.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said and shifted, moving to sit on his knees, closer to Bokuto, so close. “I know that you have trouble seeing what an amazing person you really are. I know that, but it makes me so sad when you actually say it.”

He was making Kuroo sad, he was the source of Kuroo’s sadness, and he should be wiped away from the earth.

“You deserve good things,” Kuroo said. “I want to be your good thing.”

“Really?” Bokuto asked, voice quiet and distant, like he wasn’t really there, he was just observing what happened and had no control over it.

“Really,” Kuroo said and smiled.

He lifted his hands, reached out to Bokuto, and this time Bokuto didn’t pull away, although he did flinch, so unprepared to such gestures of affection that his head couldn’t quite comprehend that Kuroo wasn’t going to hit him or poke him in the eyes or anything else cruel. Kuroo’s hands were gentle and warm on Bokuto’s cheeks, cupping his face with care, and he leaned closer, and Bokuto’s heart was racing. He could see it happening before it happened, and he closed his eyes when Kuroo’s smile got extra gentle.

Kuroo’s lips were hesitant at first, a simple soft press over Bokuto’s mouth before he kissed him again. Bokuto thought that he might pass out from not breathing properly, body so confused and overcome with happiness that he was certain that his brain would shut down his body completely. Kuroo’s lips were soft, they were Kuroo’s, and Bokuto opened his mouth to lick over them, to taste Kuroo like he had tasted all those girls before, and Kuroo smelled familiar.

Bokuto lifted his own hands to Kuroo’s hair, to pull him closer to him. He needed to feel Kuroo next to himself, needed to make sure that this wasn’t a dream, and Kuroo was there. Kuroo hummed, a pleased low sound in his throat, and Bokuto licked his way inside his mouth to meet his tongue. They kissed like it was the last time they could, it felt like they were always meant to kiss each other, like this was just a matter of time, and Bokuto started to wonder if it really was, if maybe he had been mistaken right from the beginning, and Kuroo was supposed to be his other half, the side of him that could keep him together.

Kuroo’s hair was slightly sweaty still, but soft, and Bokuto twirled it in his fingers, fingertips mapping his head, and Kuroo leaned closer and closer until he lost his balance and toppled over Bokuto. Their kiss came to an abrupt end, and when Kuroo found his balance he looked up with an embarrassed smirk.

“Sorry,” he said and laughed. “I got too excited.”

“Me too,” Bokuto said, although it wasn’t him who had pulled Kuroo towards him, although it was partly him, because it was him that Kuroo had tried to get closer to.

“I never thought this could happen,” Kuroo said and stroked Bokuto’s hair, fingers pushing through the gel. “You always talked about girls, always going on about how you wanted to have sex with her and her for whatever reason.”

“Sorry,” Bokuto said, and he meant it.

He had never thought that maybe what he said could be awkward for Kuroo to hear, because he had been so busy assuming that Kuroo felt the same, that Kuroo looked at the girls and thought about their soft figures and how they were wearing bras and panties and how amazing it would be to touch their breasts.

“Don’t apologise!” Kuroo said, however. “I thought it was kind of cute how you were always lusting after someone for whatever minor reason.”

Bokuto blinked slowly.

“You didn’t think it was nasty?” he asked.

Kuroo shook his head.

“But you don’t like girls,” Bokuto tried to clarify his question, but only received a laugh from Kuroo.

“I wouldn’t have sex with a girl,” Kuroo said, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate how cute they can be.”

Bokuto wasn’t sure he really understood. Wasn’t it the same as if he was looking at boys and thinking about how cute they were? He had never looked at boys that way, no one before Kuroo, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted to anyway.

“You don’t have to understand, really,” Kuroo said, as if reading Bokuto’s mind again. “It doesn’t matter.”

Bokuto hummed. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say anyway.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, differently than before, and Bokuto wondered what was going to happen.

“Yes?” he asked when Kuroo didn’t continue.

Kuroo was looking at him in a funny way, a way that Bokuto had never seen before, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. It was scary to see a side of Kuroo that he had never witnessed before, even if Kuroo’s face didn’t really warrant such feelings. There was something soft about the way he was looking at Bokuto’s face.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said again, but this time he continued. “Will you go out with me?”

Bokuto felt his entire face heat up.

“You mean,” he asked in a rush, words getting tangled and he breathed to calm his speech, “you want to be boyfriends?”

“Yes,” Kuroo said and nodded too.

It was unreal, how Bokuto’s chest swelled with joy, and he couldn’t be quick enough to nod enthusiastically and jump to hug Kuroo.

“Yes,” Bokuto said into Kuroo’s hair. “Yes.”

Kuroo hugged him back and Bokuto felt right for once. This is how he was supposed to be, and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised it earlier.

The rest of the day was spent kissing, trying to do their homework and kissing more, laughing and kissing, and Bokuto had never felt quite as happy. He wished that Kuroo didn’t have to go home, that they could exist in this short timeframe forever.


	2. Chapter 2

After a high, a low must follow, and Bokuto started to feel that the following morning. He was adding gel to his hair, smiling to the mirror, when the first wave hit him.

What if it was all his imagination?

Bokuto quickly abandoned that thought as being too unlikely, too stupid, and he continued peacefully until he was on his way to school. That’s when he started wondering if maybe Kuroo hadn’t really meant it, and had just reacted instinctively to Bokuto’s confession. What if Kuroo was just being friendly?

Bokuto shook his head. He shouldn’t let those thoughts take over, he should ignore them and laugh at them and remember that sometimes his head was silly.

But that was the problem. His head played tricks on him. How could he trust it? Bokuto had sometimes thought that he could trust his own mind, that whatever it said was correct, but then he had made friends with Kuroo and learned that maybe his head wasn’t right all the time. This was later enforced by Akaashi, and ever since then he had found it difficult to decide what was objective and what subjective when he thought about himself and his actions.

Bokuto was consumed by these thoughts throughout the day, constantly battling his insecurity taking over, but when he started to get those looks from people around him, sighs from behind him when he didn’t know what the teacher was talking about again, it became difficult to remember why it was that he doubted his initial instinct in the first place. Why had he thought that there was something good about him? How did he manage to convince himself of something so outrageously stupid?

Usually when his thoughts started putting him down – well deserved at that – he would only get dejected until Akaashi talked to him or Kuroo happened to message him, but this time anxiety was starting to raise its head inside him. He didn’t understand why, and it scared him. Had he broken? Was there a part of his brain that had gone soft and couldn’t protect him anymore?

Bokuto decided to skip practice that afternoon, head so full of emotions and underdeveloped thoughts that he couldn’t concentrate.

When school ended, Bokuto hid inside the bathroom, waiting for everyone to leave for club. He was startled by an incoming message. It was from Kuroo. It said: “Have fun at practice!”

Bokuto blinked in wonder before remembering that Kuroo didn’t know what was going on.

“I’m not going,” he replied before thinking.

As soon as the message left, dread took over him. He shouldn’t have told Kuroo, now Kuroo would worry for nothing and it was all Bokuto’s fault. His thoughts were abruptly cut short by his phone ringing. It was Kuroo.

“Hello,” Bokuto said, voice almost fearful, and he wanted to kick himself for being so weak.

“What’s going on?” Kuroo asked. “Why aren’t you going to practise?”

Bokuto wasn’t sure what to say so he stayed quiet.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, his voice so encouraging and familiar that Bokuto was starting to forget what he had been worried about in the first place. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t think it’s a very good idea,” Bokuto said.

“Are you having a bad day?” Kuroo asked, even though he didn’t need to, Bokuto was sure of it.

“Yes,” he said anyway.

“Why?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto had known he would ask, he had known it but wasn’t prepared to answer. But it would be for the best, wouldn’t it? Kuroo would tell him how things really are, and he could forget all about it.

“Did you only say yes out of pity?” he asked.

“What?” Kuroo asked, clearly with no idea of what Bokuto was talking about. “What did I say yes to?”

Bokuto had hoped that Kuroo would get it without having to go into detail, but it didn’t seem like Kuroo would realise without some help, so he took a deep breath before blurting it out.

“Did you only become my boyfriend out of pity?”

“What?” Kuroo exclaimed, voice unusually high in a way Bokuto had never heard before.

“Did you?” Bokuto simply asked.

His heart was beating too fast, hands getting sweaty.

“No!” Kuroo said, still way too loud. “I became your boyfriend because I like you!”

Bokuto heard something from the background and then some shuffling, and Kuroo’s voice went quieter.

“Listen to me,” he said, and it sounded like he was walking. “This is not the best time or place to talk about this, but I’m not going to leave you hanging with such an outrageous idea. I love you. For real. I wanted to become your boyfriend. I want to be your boyfriend, and I don’t see any reason for that ever changing.”

“But how could you know?” Bokuto asked, thoughts already moving on to other possible scenarios that would end with Kuroo leaving him.

“Boku-, uh,” Kuroo quietened down even more. “I already told you yesterday that we’re already such good friends, right? I already know so much about you, I know what I’m getting into here. I’m absolutely confident that for as long as you keep wanting me, I’ll always cherish you.”

Bokuto noticed tears in his eyes and quickly rubbed them away before they could flow.

“But,” he started before thinking properly.

Maybe he shouldn’t say it. He shouldn’t bring out the one thing that would definitely make Kuroo see him differently. He could never talk about it. The truth would only distress Kuroo or make him leave because he could finally see how horrible Bokuto was.

“But what?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto had hoped that Kuroo would not take note of it.

“You can’t know that,” he said, hoping that it was vague enough for Kuroo to not suspect anything.

“Are you saying that I don’t really know you?” Kuroo asked, a humorous tone in his voice, and Bokuto could have sighed in relief. “So, you’re keeping some huge secrets from me? Is that it?”

Bokuto tried to laugh, although it came out slightly forced.

“That’s it,” Kuroo said with fondness in his voice. “You just laugh and go to practise, okay?”

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea,” Bokuto said truthfully.

“There’s still something bothering you?” Kuroo asked.

“Well,” Bokuto started.

“Coming!” Kuroo shouted at someone, away from the phone.

“You should go,” Bokuto said instead.

“I don’t want to leave you alone at a moment like this,” Kuroo said.

“I’ll be fine.”

Kuroo thought for a moment.

“I’ll come over after practise,” he said then. “I can’t force you to go to your club, but give it another thought before going home, okay?”

“I will,” Bokuto assured Kuroo, and the call was over so soon that it felt hasty.

The quiet that remained felt uneasy, and Bokuto wasn’t sure what to do. He was going to be late already. Was it worth it, or should he go home? He slowly wandered out of the bathroom and towards the locker room. He heard them talk, everywhere people were talking to each other. Were they talking about him? They could be, and that in itself made his stomach turn.

When had he become so sensitive to other people?

He was clutching the strap of his bag when he stopped walking. He felt small in the big building that surrounded him, and he didn’t want to be there. He really wanted to go away, go home where everything was calm and familiar, but here he was, standing in a hallway like the idiot he was.

A few more steps took him right to the locker room door. He stood there and listened. There were still people inside, talking, chatting away cheerfully, and he wasn’t in that room, he didn’t belong to the chatter, and he noticed how he was biting his lips.

He had never been particularly worried about facing people. What was different today?

“Do you think it’s true, though?” someone asked.

Bokuto couldn’t tell who it was, the door blocking the colour of the voice so effectively it was reduced to distant words.

“I don’t think so,” another person said. “He doesn’t look gay to me.”

Bokuto froze. What were they talking about? Had they somehow found out about him and Kuroo?

“You can’t always tell just by looking at someone,” the first voice said.

Bokuto felt sick. No, he felt weak and his limbs were heavy and his stomach was churning.

“But think if it is,” the second person said then. “He’s been with boys. Yuck!”

“Shut up!” said a third person, Bokuto was quite sure. “I don’t want to think that he’s possibly been checking me out.”

They must have been talking about him, Bokuto decided. His hands were sweaty and he didn’t understand how he had thought it could be so easy to love Kuroo, how he could pull it off without anyone paying attention to the way he looked at his friend with such longing in his eyes and maybe it showed in his face that he had kissed Kuroo, maybe they could see that he had touched another guy.

“Think about how his team must feel,” one of the three voices said.

“Yeah!” another one agreed. “They have to be with him all the time. And as their captain he can probably have his way with anyone he wants.”

Bokuto stopped hearing after those words, after he suddenly realised that they were talking about Kuroo. That the rumour about Kuroo had spread to their school, and it would haunt Kuroo for the rest of the semester and in every joint practise and possibly into university, his career, for the rest of his life.

Without much thought Bokuto slammed open the door. His blood was humming in his ears and he could hardly even make out that the three boys still in the locker room were Sarukui, Komi and Konoha. The three jumped back when he appeared at the doorway, eyes aimed at them but not really looking.

“You should know better than to believe rumours,” he said, almost calm, and he was surprised by it. “You have known Kuroo for as long as I have.”

“We weren’t really,” Konoha started, but Bokuto lifted his hand to quiet him.

“You shouldn’t care about his sexuality,” Bokuto stated loudly. “You only need to care about his plays and make sure that we can win!”

The trio before him was nodding, still looking nervous and backing away as Bokuto took a step closer.

“What does it matter to you if he’s gay?” he continued. “He wouldn’t even look twice at any of you, because he has more taste.”

With that Bokuto finally really looked at the three boys in front of him, glared at them.

“Go play,” he said, and all three slithered away from the room, bowing and apologising profusely.

When the door closed behind Bokuto, he suddenly realised he had said the word “sexuality” and his face heated up instantly.

Bokuto was not a virgin. He wasn’t all talk when he talked about girls, and had slept with quite a few of the ones he had lusted after. But he had never really found talking about sex to be easy. He felt his cheeks blush and he pressed his face in his hands.

He tried to remember everything he said. It was a bit of a blur, his words having come from an instinctual level of him that wanted to protect Kuroo from all things bad. But had he made a difference for the better or for worse? Had he accidentally implied that Kuroo really was gay? Had he made it clear that Kuroo wasn’t?

If only there was a way to listen to his own words again.

Bokuto looked to the door. He was alone.

After what just happened he should go to practise and make sure that the rumours weren’t spreading any more than this. He should go and show them that what he said was real, and that he would stand behind his words.

Reluctantly he changed into his volleyball gear and headed to the gym.

*

When Bokuto finally made it home, he was absolutely exhausted. Training had been surprisingly fine, even though he spent a lot of the time trying to figure out if the rest of the team was looking at him in weird ways. He couldn’t help feeling paranoid, even though he also figured he had an excellent reason to believe that they would be talking about him, or at least about Kuroo, which was almost the same as if they were talking about him.

Bokuto slowly changed into his pyjamas, foregoing a shower, although it would have been necessary. He was waiting for Kuroo to arrive, had already gotten a message from the boy saying that he was on his way, and didn’t want to risk being in the shower when he got there. Bokuto tried to do some homework, but it was hard to concentrate, the letters on the book pages were dancing around and toying with him up to a point when he yelled in frustration and threw his pencil across the room.

He lay down onto the floor and looked up to the ceiling. He didn’t know if he should tell Kuroo about the rumour having spread to their team. How would Kuroo take it? He had seemed so worried when it was just in his school, how would he deal with it when it was already in another school?

When the doorbell rang, Bokuto still hadn’t quite decided what to do, but thought that he would find the answer as he talked to Kuroo. He skipped to the door in a hurry and let Kuroo in.

The boy smiled wide when Bokuto opened the door, and as soon as the door closed behind him, he was pulling Bokuto into a hug.

“I missed you all day,” Kuroo said against Bokuto’s neck.

Bokuto giggled before stopping the sound, his cheeks heating up in humiliation of sounding so ridiculous.

“You’re so cute,” Kuroo said, a finger on Bokuto’s chin as he leaned in to quickly press their lips together.

“Yeah, my parents aren’t home, thanks for asking,” Bokuto said, laughing a bit nervously.

“I thought so,” Kuroo said with a smirk and took his shoes off. “Otherwise I’m sure someone else would have gotten the door for you.”

“That’s not always true,” Bokuto argued, but then had to pull Kuroo into a kiss himself.

Kuroo’s lips were soft and sweet, and Bokuto was certain that no girl had ever felt that good against his lips, his hands as he held Kuroo’s cheeks.

“You smell sexy,” Kuroo said when they parted.

Bokuto hadn’t had time to calm down from his previous blush, so he was probably starting to look like a lobster. Kuroo smiled and took a hold of his hand, nudging him to go back to his bedroom.

“You sounded really distraught over the phone,” Kuroo said and sat down on Bokuto’s bed.

Bokuto looked at him, trying to figure out if it was a message of something that he should understand, because Kuroo never sat on his bed. His imagination was already running wild, but he forced it to stay quiet as he focused on Kuroo’s question.

“I was having a bad moment,” he said.

“Hmm,” Kuroo said in response and gestured for him to sit down on the bed with him. “From how sweaty you still are I take it that you went to practise after all.”

Bokuto nodded. He hadn’t still made a move to sit down next to Kuroo, and he knew exactly how quickly he should make a move or it would seem suspicious to Kuroo.

“How was your day?” he asked and took a short step towards the bed, trying to appear distracted instead of hesitant. “Is the rumour still going?”

Kuroo’s face fell immediately, and that’s what finally convinced Bokuto to sit down next to him and wrap an arm around his shoulder.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Kuroo said. “At least I have managed to narrow it down to a group of people who’re talking shit. At least it’s not the whole school.”

“That’s something,” Bokuto said. “Um.”

“What?” Kuroo asked, leaning his head onto Bokuto’s shoulder.

“I’m not sure how to say this,” Bokuto said. “I’m not sure if I should say at all.”

“You’re scaring me,” Kuroo said and turned his head so he could somehow look at Bokuto.

“It’s just that today I heard some guys from the team talk about it,” Bokuto said. “About you. That. That you’re gay.”

Kuroo groaned in frustration, head dropping away from Bokuto.

“I can’t believe it,” he said and pressed his face into his hands. “I was hoping that my team would keep it quiet.”

“I told them to mind their own business,” Bokuto said in hopes of providing at least a bit of comfort.

“Thank you,” Kuroo said and looked up at him, eyes shining with gratitude and love. “Bokuto, you’re the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for.”

Bokuto’s face heated up at the statement. He hadn’t yet come to terms with the fact that he was, indeed, Kuroo’s boyfriend now. He bit on his lip.

“What’s worrying you, babe?” Kuroo asked and stroked Bokuto’s cheek.

“I’m just,” Bokuto started but wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

He looked at Kuroo with a frown, Kuroo’s face open and eyes looking right into him, right into his soul, and he hoped that Kuroo would be able to tell without him having to say anything.

“Tell me,” Kuroo said. “Maybe it will make you feel better.”

Bokuto sighed.

“I’m worried that they’ll figure it out,” he said quietly.

“What?” Kuroo asked. “That I’m actually gay and they were right?”

“No,” Bokuto said. “Well, yes, kind of. I meant me.”

“Oh,” Kuroo said and sat up straight. “You’re worried they’ll find out that you’re just as gay as me and that we’re dating.”

“Hey!” Bokuto exclaimed. “I’m not as gay as you! I’ve never kissed a boy before!”

“Well you have now,” Kuroo said, laughing, and kissed Bokuto with such a wide smirk that it wasn’t even a proper kiss anymore.

Bokuto laughed, feeling a bit more at ease even though Kuroo hadn’t really said anything that would have made him feel better.

“You don’t have to worry,” Kuroo said. “First of all, how would they suddenly find out?”

Bokuto shrugged.

“They can’t read minds,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto thought that it was actually a good reminder. “And you can’t accidentally flirt with me too visibly because we’re not in the same school. It’s all fine.”

Bokuto wasn’t sure if he really felt more at ease, but his rational side recognised that Kuroo was right.

“What if I say something?” he asked then.

“Like what?” Kuroo asked. “Something like “I’m having sex with a man”?”

Bokuto blushed so hard that he had to look away.

“No,” he said. “I don’t know.”

“Well,” Kuroo said. “You’re not having sex with a man as of yet. You can’t accidentally blurt it out.”

“I meant,” Bokuto interrupted before Kuroo went further, “that maybe when I’m standing up to you the next time I’ll say something stupid that will make it clear that we’re more than friends.”

“You really are cute,” Kuroo said and pulled Bokuto back into a hug.

Bokuto hadn’t turned back to Kuroo yet, so Kuroo was hugging his back, chin leaning onto his shoulder and he pressed a small kiss right in front of Bokuto’s ear. They stayed like that for a moment, just breathing in sync, Kuroo’s chest strong and warm against Bokuto’s wide back.

“I wouldn’t mind to be having sex with you,” he whispered.

Bokuto jerked forward, and Kuroo let go of him. His back felt instantly cold.

“I,” Bokuto started, but had no idea what he was about to say.

He slowly turned to look at Kuroo, and was surprised to find out that the boy’s cheeks were dusted pink, eyes not looking at him directly.

“I’m just saying,” Kuroo said. “I’ve been thinking about you for so long.”

Bokuto spluttered, forcing himself to stay put instead of crawling away. His heart was beating so fast he thought it couldn’t be healthy. Then a thought hit him.

“Have you jerked off to the thought of me?” he asked.

The intense blush on Kuroo’s face and the way he turned his head to the side was answer enough.

“Oh my god!” Bokuto exclaimed.

His head was quickly producing images of Kuroo with his clothes off, cock in hand as he was quietly calling Bokuto’s name. Bokuto lifted his hands to his face in shame, ears burning just as hot as his face, trying to not think about Kuroo’s cock.

Of course, the problem was that the more you don’t want to think about something the more you’re thinking about it, so Bokuto’s head was now filled with images of what Kuroo’s cock would possibly look like.

“I’m sorry!” Kuroo said. “But also I’m not! They’re my fantasies! I didn’t think I’d ever get the real thing!”

“That’s even more embarrassing,” Bokuto said and shrank a little, head now providing him with questions about what Kuroo would sound like as he came all over his chest.

“It’s not supposed to be embarrassing,” Kuroo tried to argue, but his voice betrayed his nerves. “We’re boyfriends. Of course it’s only natural to think about sex.”

“Stop talking about sex,” Bokuto said weakly, thinking about how different it would be to fuck a man instead of a woman.

Bokuto thought back to the trail of soft-looking hair on Kuroo’s lower stomach, how it had caught his eye and – well – opened his eyes to his feelings for his best friend. As much as he might not want to accept or at least admit it, that’s when he had realised that he wanted to have sex with Kuroo, do all the things couples do, but a lot of it had to do with sex.

Slowly Bokuto peeked at Kuroo from behind his fingers. Kuroo was looking at him uncertainly, chewing on his lips and hands resting on his lap with fingers tangled together. His face was flushed and eyes restless, and Bokuto was surprised by how reassured he felt to know that Kuroo seemed to feel exactly as out of his depth as he was.

“I didn’t mean that we need to do it now,” Kuroo said and cleared his throat.

“Uh huh,” Bokuto replied.

He was slowly lowering his hands and trying to look at Kuroo with a straight face again.

“Although I would really like to touch you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto thought that with how much he was blushing right now he wouldn’t be able to get hard even if they did want to have sex.

“I really want to touch your belly,” he blurted out.

Kuroo looked surprised, and Bokuto cursed his brain for not working properly and stopping his mouth from saying embarrassing things that were supposed to remain a secret. He met Kuroo’s eyes with a certain level of panic.

“I would let you,” Kuroo said. “If you really mean it.”

Bokuto was sure that he was imagining. He must have passed out from embarrassment. There was too much blood in his head and it was stopping his brain from functioning, that must be it.

“I mean,” Kuroo said and smirked ridiculously, “who _wouldn’t_ want to touch my amazing abs!”

Bokuto burst to laughter as soon as Kuroo’s words registered. Kuroo chuckled too. Bokuto laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes, and he thanked every god there is for giving him such a great friend – boyfriend – who understood when he needed to laugh.

“More like who wouldn’t want me to touch them,” Bokuto tried to announce with confidence in his voice but he was still giggling like an idiot.

“We’re a killer combination,” Kuroo said. “Both too hot to resist.”

Bokuto was still grinning widely, and in a fit of courage he shuffled closer to Kuroo and touched his chest. Kuroo didn’t stop smiling as Bokuto’s had slid lower to his stomach before pulling on the hem of his shirt to expose his abdomen.

Bokuto hesitantly glanced at Kuroo who only smirked wider before taking a hold of his own shirt and pulling it up more to reveal his chest too. Bokuto lowered his gaze to Kuroo’s body, onto his navel where the inviting trail of dark hair begun. Bokuto swallowed. He gently touched Kuroo’s belly with his entire palm before focusing on the hair, following the stripe of it down to the edge of Kuroo’s slacks with a single finger. The hair started out smooth but got coarse lower. His skin was soft but muscles hard, his body full of contrasts that Bokuto really wanted to explore. Kuroo’s stomach moved when he breathed, the muscles twitching as Bokuto followed the edge of his slacks with his finger before dragging it up to his ribs.

Feeling hesitant again Bokuto looked at Kuroo’s face. Kuroo wasn’t smirking anymore, his usual grin having melted into a softer smile and his eyes were watching Bokuto. He nodded, and Bokuto pressed his palm against his chest, moved it up to feel the muscle right underneath the skin, moved it up to feel the nub of Kuroo’s nipple against it. The nipple got hard quickly, and Bokuto liked the way it felt against his hand. It was different from touching a girl, the smaller size making it feel much more prominent. Kuroo’s body was the exact opposite of every girl Bokuto had ever slept with, all that soft flesh now replaced by raw muscle and angular bones.

“What do you want to do?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto blinked and look at his face again. Kuroo’s cheeks were slightly blushed, and his eyes were intense in a way Bokuto hadn’t seen before.

“I don’t know,” Bokuto answered truthfully.

“You’re not a virgin, are you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto spluttered.

“Of course not!” he said.

His hand pressed harder against Kuroo before he pulled away.

“I liked the way you touched me,” Kuroo said almost sadly. “Your hand feels really good.”

Bokuto swallowed. He may have had experience in bed, and he may have always been the kind to fuck on a first date, but there was something different when it came to Kuroo. There was something much more delicate about the relationship because they were friends. This wasn’t a meaningless fling. This was supposed to be a serious thing, the lasting kind, and Bokuto couldn’t help wondering if they could ever be friends again if this failed. Suddenly he was afraid, and he pulled back.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto had to think. Was he really ready to risk their friendship for a crush? How would he know if it was something more than that?

He had no doubts about Kuroo’s feelings for him, but his own had only just surfaced. Could it be that he was simply looking for a new experience? He looked at Kuroo who still had his shirt up and body in view. Kuroo looked patient and understanding, although there was no way for him to know what Bokuto was thinking about.

“What’s stopping you?” Kuroo asked when Bokuto remained quiet. “Are you hesitant because you’ve never been with a guy? Or is it just too sudden?”

Bokuto wasn’t sure how to explain his thoughts without making Kuroo worry that this was a mistake. He had never had a relationship that was based on a friendship, most of his girlfriends having been a one- or two-time thing. He was always too busy with volleyball to even think about dating seriously, always content with just sex for as long as the girl was cute. He had no idea how to do it in any other way, in any meaningful way.

“Bokuto?” Kuroo tried again.

Bokuto still had no idea what to tell him.

“You’ll have to talk to me,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto was worrying his lip with his teeth, unable to decide how to approach his worries.

“I mean,” Kuroo said and let his shirt fall over his body, much to Bokuto’s disappointment. “I can try to guess, but it would be easier if you would talk to me.”

“I don’t know how,” Bokuto finally said.

Kuroo raised his brows at that.

“You don’t know how to what?” he asked. “How to talk?”

“I don’t know how to make a relationship work,” Bokuto stated, frowning at his own incompetence.

Kuroo made a sound of acknowledgement. He looked thoughtful, and Bokuto was too nervous to keep looking at him. He had to prepare to be told that he was a failure and not good enough for Kuroo.

“Haven’t you dated a lot?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto let out a quiet squeal.

“That’s exactly the problem,” he said quietly.

He looked up at Kuroo. The boy looked questioning, and Bokuto cleared his throat.

“I never had a proper relationship,” he said.

“Ah,” Kuroo replied and gave it a moment’s thought. “I guess I kind of knew from how you were always talking about someone new each time but I didn’t really want to think about it.”

“Because I’m not boyfriend material?” Bokuto asked quietly.

“Because I didn’t want to think about you with someone other than me,” Kuroo said. “I’m not questioning your ability to be in a relationship.”

“I am,” Bokuto stated.

“Why did you never have a longer relationship with someone?” Kuroo asked instead of acknowledging Bokuto’s words.

Bokuto blushed. The conversation was getting closer to the subject of sex again, and he wasn’t sure it would be good for his heart to go through those feelings once more.

“I was too busy,” he said evasively.

“With what?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto shifted.

“Volleyball, I guess,” he said. “You.”

Kuroo nodded.

“That’s not going to be a problem with me,” he said with a smile.

Bokuto tangled his finger together. He would have to say it. He would have to say it.

“I also,” he started, but couldn’t bring himself to continue.

He would have to say it.

“It was,” he tried to approach it from a different angle but it wasn’t any easier.

“Why is it so hard for you to tell me?” Kuroo asked seriously. “We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

“Well, yes,” Bokuto said.

“Then what’s stopping you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto shook his head. He was starting to feel anxiety approaching, and it frightened him. Clearly Kuroo was a mistake if the situation made him get so bad so often.

“Bokuto?” he vaguely heard Kuroo say, but was so entangled in his own thoughts that he didn’t even think to respond.

It was getting harder to breathe, harder for his heart to beat, and he wished that he knew how to make it stop other than scratching. He wanted to make it stop, the pain that wasn’t really pain, it wasn’t real, yet it hurt so much that he couldn’t breathe.

Bokuto jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. His head snapped up and he looked at Kuroo in horror. Could Kuroo see how much in pain he was? Was Kuroo going to leave now that his vulnerability had been exposed? Was Kuroo-

“Bokuto?” Kuroo said, and Bokuto was somewhat aware of the fact that his name had been repeated several times by now. “What’s wrong?”

Bokuto’s eyes were wide as he looked at the boy in front of him. The hand on his shoulder was warm, it felt real, and his surroundings were starting to clear out again. He blinked and wondered if Kuroo had always had this kind of a calming effect on him or if it was just now, just today, and possibly never again.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” Kuroo said seriously. “What’s the matter?”

Bokuto thought that he really should tell Kuroo, but he didn’t know how. Saying it out loud would sound so stupid, it would make him seem so stupid and weak, and he didn’t want Kuroo to think that. He didn’t need for Kuroo to ever look at him with pity, just like he never had before. Bokuto wondered how Kuroo had the strength to stay so positive towards him even after all the times he had gotten dejected and just bad, just bad at everything, even simply being _there_ , in this world.

“Hey,” Kuroo said. “Do you actually have a secret that you’re keeping from me?”

Bokuto thought about how easy it would be to lie, but he nodded instead. He felt like his heart was starting to shake with how scared he was to reveal even just that to Kuroo. It would instantly make him appear differently to his friend, and Kuroo would leave.

Maybe it would be good. Maybe then the anxiety would go back to lying dormant inside him for weeks or months on end before raising its ugly head and making his life even more difficult than it already was.

“Can you tell me?” Kuroo asked.

There were two ways to answer that question: no, I don’t know how to put it into words, or yes, I want to trust you with this secret side of me. Bokuto didn’t know how to reply. Kuroo was looking at him with a worried crease between his brows and forehead crinkling in an unusual way.

“I’m not good,” Bokuto finally said.

He was struggling to find the words that would describe his condition well. He wasn’t sure there even was a way to put it into words. No matter how much he explained, there was still the possibility that Kuroo wouldn’t understand.

“What do you mean?” Kuroo asked, voice soft and caring, and Bokuto wanted to hate hearing it, but instead it made him happy. “Do you mean that you’re not healthy?”

Bokuto wasn’t sure if it counted, but he still nodded. Kuroo’s face was getting more worried by the minute, and Bokuto couldn’t help wanting to take back the few words he had said.

“I’m not right in the head,” he said.

Kuroo made a face like it had been unexpected.

“What’s going on, Bokuto?” he asked, and his voice was silky and it poured over Bokuto’s body soothingly.

“It hurts,” Bokuto said simply, before realising that he should try to specify it more. “My body hurts, but it’s not real. It’s only in my head, but it hurts so much I don’t know how to be.”

Kuroo’s eyes were searching for something from Bokuto’s face. It was unnerving.

“How does it…” Kuroo started but then furrowed his brows in thought. “Is it… I don’t even know what I’m supposed to ask. I’m sorry. Can you tell me more?”

Bokuto blinked slowly and thought. He felt like he hadn’t had to think this hard in a long time, which was worrying given the fact that it was his senior year in high school.

“I don’t know if it has a name,” Bokuto said quietly, suddenly certain that he had been talking too loudly. “It just sometimes happens when I’m on a bad mood – no, more like I’m bad, you know, when I mess up everything. And it comes out of nowhere and I don’t know how to stop it from happening. I only know one way of making it stop.”

“What is that?” Kuroo asked.

He let his hand slide down from Bokuto’s shoulder to his arm. It was warm. Bokuto liked how warm it was.

“You’re going to leave me,” Bokuto said in return.

He waited for Kuroo’s warmth to disappear, but instead it remained. Kuroo was looking at him with a serious expression, his mouth a thin line.

“I won’t leave you,” he said and rubbed Bokuto’s arm with his warm hand. “You should know you can trust me.”

Bokuto gasped for air to stop his emotions from going overboard. He was slightly leaning to Kuroo’s touch.

“I have to scratch myself really hard,” he said.

Then he let it all out, he talked about the pain inside him, the pain on his skin when he tried to deal with it, the way he felt that everyone could see it on him, everyone could see every thought of his on his body and he sometimes couldn’t be around people because they made him feel useless.

Instead of backing away Kuroo was stroking his arm with warmth, and Bokuto felt safer. He told Kuroo about his girlfriends, about how none of them were real girlfriends, about how he always just wanted the sex and then got bored.

“Are you scared that you’ll get bored of me after we have sex?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“I don’t think that will happen,” Kuroo said gently and slid his hand down Bokuto’s arm and took a hold of his hand. “Do you know why?”

Bokuto clasped Kuroo’s hand. His own hand was clammy, but Kuroo wasn’t pulling away. Bokuto shook his head and looked at Kuroo’s soft eyes that were focused on him.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because we’re friends,” Kuroo said. “When you had sex with a girl, you didn’t really know them, did you? But you know me. Wouldn’t you say that you want to stay friends with me?”

Bokuto immediately nodded.

“The that won’t change, no matter whether we have sex or not,” Kuroo said. “Don’t you think?”

Even though Bokuto thought Kuroo was right, he still had to take a while to really let it sink in. That maybe he wouldn’t want out of a relationship for the first time in his life.

“Yes,” he said almost shyly.

Kuroo squeezed the hand he was holding before softly stroking Bokuto’s cheek with his free hand.

“I still don’t mean that we have to do it now or the next time or anything,” Kuroo said. “I will wait for as long as you need to be comfortable with it.”

Bokuto looked at Kuroo with admiration. He shouldn’t be surprised by Kuroo’s kindness, but there was still a little part in him that told him that he didn’t deserve that kind of compassion. He squeezed Kuroo’s hand and leaned forward.

“I still can’t believe that you would choose someone like me,” he said.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I understand that you have difficulties to see your worth, but please keep in mind that I love you the way you are. ‘Someone like you’ is exactly what I want.”

Bokuto’s heart leaped at that, and he allowed himself to believe Kuroo, at least for now.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said slowly. “I want you.”

Kuroo raised his brows at that.

“You can have me,” he said. “I’ll give you anything you want.”

The look on Kuroo’s face was sincere. Bokuto leaned closer to rest his head on Kuroo’s shoulder. He was breathing, calmly, trying to calm down his body from its state of shock. He had his free hand resting on Kuroo’s other shoulder. Kuroo was his anchor to reality, Kuroo was there and he was there too.

Bokuto turned his neck and kissed Kuroo’s neck, soft and careful at first, but then emboldened by the way Kuroo turned his head to give him more room.

“I want you,” Bokuto mumbled against Kuroo’s skin, almost desperate.

He kissed up his boyfriend’s neck, up to the corner of his jaw before moving to his lips, lips against lips and Kuroo was smiling. Kuroo kissed him back but didn’t try to control, answering to every move of Bokuto’s mouth but not pushing further. Bokuto licked over his lower lip, then the seam of his lips that were softly pressed together, and Kuroo allowed him to enter. His mouth was wet and hot, and Bokuto kissed him with the want he had been keeping hidden from himself for a long time.

As they kissed, Bokuto slid his hand down from Kuroo’s shoulder to his chest, finding a nipple through the thin fabric of his shirt. He played with it with his fingers, causing Kuroo to moan lowly into the kiss. Kuroo’s body was constantly leaning closer to Bokuto’s touch, mouth open and tongue flicking against Bokuto’s licks, and as much as Bokuto wanted to keep holding his hand he let go to touch both sides of Kuroo’s chest at once.

Kuroo lifted his hands to Bokuto’s shoulders, into his hair, fingers digging in to his scalp before combing through the heavily gelled strands. Bokuto whined with how good it felt, hands moving lower on Kuroo’s body, stopping to his stomach to feel him shift. Bokuto pushed Kuroo until he was lying on his back, Bokuto hovering over him. Bokuto straddled his hips, pushing his hands up and the hem of Kuroo’s shirt catching to his fingers briefly. Bokuto started opening the buttons of his shirt, never breaking the kiss but feeling how eager Kuroo was from the way he was slightly arching his back to feel more of Bokuto.

Bokuto noticed that his hands were shaky with excitement when he pushed Kuroo’s open shirt out of the way. Kuroo lifted his body enough to wriggle out of the garment before lifting his hands back to Bokuto’s nape where they were playing with the soft strands of hair that had been cleansed from hair gel by sweat. Bokuto moved his kisses to Kuroo’s neck and down to his chest, fingers feeling the ridges of his ribs as he stopped to suck a hickey to Kuroo’s chest, not far from his left nipple. Kuroo was still stroking his nape and hair, moaning quietly as his mouth worked on the spot of skin.

What finally made Bokuto back away from Kuroo was the way Kuroo suddenly rolled his hips up, erection pressing against Bokuto’s hardened cock. He looked down at Kuroo, whose face was red and eyes glassy, lips swollen and glistening.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said, voice breathy and low. “I want to. But do you?”

If Bokuto was honest, he wasn’t sure. But he was also horny, and he hadn’t gotten laid in a while. As a reply to Kuroo’s question he dragged his hands down to the waistband of Kuroo’s slacks, fingertips feeling the edges of Kuroo’s muscles on the way. He popped open the button before looking up at Kuroo’s face for a confirmation he had already received. He kept looking at Kuroo, only glancing down to see that he was doing the right thing, how Kuroo’s face made minute changes as Bokuto kept zipping open the slacks that revealed his underwear and the wet patch on the grey fabric on the spot where the tip of his cock was. Kuroo lifted his hips and Bokuto pulled the slacks out of the way.

Suddenly Bokuto realised that he was still fully dressed. He couldn’t help palming his own groin, and Kuroo moaned at the sight, hands moving up to Bokuto’s hips. Bokuto gently rolled his hips as Kuroo’s fingers pressed against his body, slowly crawling up his side and lifting the hem of his shirt up with them. Kuroo watched how his stomach was exposed, slowly licked his lips before moving his hands to the waistband of Bokuto’s sweatpants, and stopped to look up at Bokuto’s face.

“Can I?” Kuroo asked, voice so quiet he sounded fearful.

Maybe he was. Maybe Kuroo thought that Bokuto would say no, after all, and they would have to stop. Bokuto had never thought that Kuroo could have a reason to not always be confident, but now he saw it from the way Kuroo’s eyes were shimmering and how his fingers were soft, the muscles in his arm ready to pull away at the slightest signs of discomfort.

“Yes,” Bokuto breathed, and Kuroo was immediately pulling the pants down.

Kuroo didn’t stop himself from pressing his fingers against Bokuto’s cock as they worked the trousers off. Bokuto was used to other people touching him, but there was something much more fragile and important in the way Kuroo’s fingers traced his length and the prominent vein on the underside. Bokuto gently pushed against Kuroo’s touch, and it was over way too soon. Kuroo pulled his trousers off as much as they would go with Bokuto still straddling him before letting his hands wander up his legs, fingers digging in slightly to put the slightest pressure onto the touch, and Bokuto wanted those hands all over himself, he wanted Kuroo to take him and to be taken by him.

Kuroo’s palms were hot against his ass cheeks, kneading shortly before moving up to the waistband of his underwear. Bokuto shivered, cock aching as it was stretching the fabric restraining it. Kuroo stroked his hips with firm hands and Bokuto couldn’t stay still.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said huskily. “I want to suck you.”

Bokuto blushed, cock jumping at the thought of Kuroo’s spit-slick mouth wrapping around him, and he nodded eagerly, too aroused to be nervous or remember his earlier hesitance.

Kuroo pulled him down to a kiss before turning them over. He crawled down from the bed, pulling Bokuto closer to the edge and settling between his legs. Bokuto tried to kick his pants off, and Kuroo assisted, leaving Bokuto’s shaky thighs exposed. Immediately Kuroo’s mouth attached to the smooth skin of his legs, teeth occasionally nipping at the skin as he licked and sucked his way up. Bokuto let him spread his legs wider, and Kuroo’s mouth was very close to the edge of his underwear, face pressing so close that his nose was brushing against Bokuto’s balls.

“Take them off,” Kuroo mumbled against Bokuto’s skin, gesturing to the boxers that had a tent on the front.

Bokuto’s fingers were shaking slightly as he started pushing the white garment down, until Kuroo’s hands met his and the boy lifted his head out of the way to pull them off all the way. Bokuto’s cock jumped up, so hard that it was standing upright. Kuroo groaned at the sight and pressed his own erection against Bokuto’s leg to ease some of the ache. The bulge felt foreign against Bokuto’s calf, and he was glad that he was lying down so Kuroo couldn’t see his face, because he wasn’t sure what kind of a face he was making. As much as he wanted what was about to happen, he was nervous, maybe even slightly terrified, just because he had never done it with another man before. And this man was his best friend too.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo called, and Bokuto took a deep breath before lifting his upper body enough to meet Kuroo’s eyes.

It was a surprise that Kuroo looked nervous too.

“Are you sure?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“I’m sure,” he said and managed a smile.

Kuroo smirked back, lips trembling lightly to indicate that it wasn’t completely genuine, but Bokuto could tell that he was willing and ready.

Kuroo took a hold of Bokuto’s cock and gave it a couple of experimental strokes before steadying it. Bokuto lay back down and tried to keep himself still. He felt like his blood was fire running through his veins, warming him up to a boiling point, and he couldn’t hold his hips still when Kuroo’s mouth touched him for the first time.

The first touch was soft, just Kuroo’s lips kissing the tip of Bokuto’s cock a few times. Bokuto heard him open his mouth and tried to brace himself for what was to come. Kuroo’s wet tongue licked at the frenulum and a hand stroked the base. He explored the entire length with his tongue, slicking it with saliva before moving up again, mouth breathing hot air over Bokuto’s cock. He then took the tip into his mouth, working slow and careful, then sucked as hard as he could. Bokuto moaned and his hand shot into Kuroo’s hair, taking a bunch of it into his fist and pulled.

“Fuck,” Bokuto swore breathily. “K- Kuroo!”

Kuroo was bobbing his head up and down, sucking with loud slurps, and Bokuto tried his hardest not to pull too hard on his hair, but intense pleasure was taking over his body, clouding his mind, and he was slowly losing control.

“Kuroo!” Bokuto cried out. “I’m, I’m close.”

Kuroo hummed around his cock and kept sucking, stroking the base with his hand to make up for focusing his mouth mainly on the head. He lifted his free hand to play with Bokuto’s balls, fingers sliding back to between his ass cheeks and up to press against the skin right behind his balls. Bokuto was pulling on his hair hard, hips bucking up when he came. He moaned loudly as his seed shot into Kuroo’s mouth. Kuroo didn’t stop sucking before Bokuto was dry and heaving for air. He then released Bokuto with a loud smack of his lips, Bokuto’s fingers still tangled in his hair.

Bokuto couldn’t bring himself to move, body so content with how Kuroo had just treated him to the best blowjob of his life. Sure, he had once had a girl deeptroath him, but Kuroo was his boyfriend, his friend, and Kuroo’s touch was special. Bokuto felt him move and let go of his hair. He smiled when Kuroo’s head appeared to his field of vision, messy hair even messier than usual with how Bokuto had been handling it. Kuroo’s lips were puffy and glistening, and Bokuto wanted nothing more than to kiss him over and over again. He gestured for Kuroo to come closer, and the boy eagerly obeyed, crawling up to Bokuto and kissing over his neck.

Bokuto guided Kuroo’s face up, but Kuroo stopped before they could kiss.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “I just had your dick in my mouth.”

“Don’t care,” Bokuto only responded before pressing their lips together.

They kissed openly, and Bokuto did find it weird tasting himself on Kuroo. He had never really wanted to kiss any girls after they had gone down on him, had tried it once or twice but restrained from it because it just made them taste weird, but Kuroo’s kisses were just as good as before, the excitement of kissing his best friend turned boyfriend enough to distract him from the taste.

Kuroo’s erection rubbed against Bokuto’s hip, and he suddenly snapped back to reality. He pulled away from the kiss and looked at Kuroo with a frown.

“You didn’t come yet,” he stated as if Kuroo couldn’t tell.

“It’s okay,” Kuroo said.

“Should I,” Bokuto started to ask but was unsure of how to continue the question.

He had been thinking of offering to suck him off, but then realised he had never done it before and wasn’t sure if he was even ready to think about having another guy’s cock in his mouth. He could offer to jerk him off, but would it be weird and completely different than what Kuroo had done for him?

Bokuto’s thoughts were cut short with Kuroo kissing his neck before asking:

“Do you have lube?”

Bokuto immediately reached for his bedside table and pulled a tube of lubricant out of the drawer. He handed it to Kuroo who said a quick thank-you before sitting up. When he opened the cap Bokuto suddenly realised what lube was needed for. He stiffened with the idea that there would be something entering him. He was starting to get into a panic very quickly, but Kuroo didn’t seem to notice, too busy pulling off his pants and coating his length with lube.

Kuroo’s cock, was a thing that then entered Bokuto’s mind, and he adjusted his position to see what Kuroo had under his clothes. He gasped quietly at the sight of Kuroo’s huge cock, dark red and thick, resting heavily on Kuroo’s hand. Bokuto blinked and looked down to his own cock. It had already gone mostly soft, so the difference was even more apparent, but he knew that his cock was nothing compared to Kuroo’s even at its biggest.

Then Kuroo looked up at him with a lustrous smile, cock shiny with lube, and Bokuto remembered why he had been freaking out in the first place. Now even more so that he had seen Kuroo’s massive member.

“Lift your legs,” Kuroo said, voice thick with desire.

“What?” Bokuto asked, unable to fully process the situation.

“Just press your legs together,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto had already done just that, subconsciously, while he was thinking about Kuroo’s cock trying to rip its way inside his ass. Kuroo still seemed oblivious to his nerves, simply lifted his legs and moved closer.

When the tip of Kuroo’s cock pushed past the tight press of Bokuto’s legs, he finally understood what was going on. He sighed in relief to realise that nothing was going to go in his ass.

“Don’t loosen them,” Kuroo said.

He was hugging Bokuto’s legs as his hips were thrusting, each roll pushing his cock between Bokuto’s muscular legs, each roll giving Bokuto a good view of his cock as it dragged against his soft one.

“You’re so big,” Bokuto said in a state of awe, reaching a hand down to brush against the tip when Kuroo penetrated his legs.

Kuroo whimpered and sped up.

“I’m not going to last,” he breathed out, hips pushing so strongly against Bokuto’s thighs that he could feel Kuroo’s balls hitting him.

Bokuto used his hand to stimulate Kuroo more. Kuroo had his cheek pressed against the side of his boyfriend’s knee, eyes closed as he shook, desperate few thrusts driving him to completion.

Bokuto looked at the way Kuroo’s body shivered and how his eyes fluttered shut as he came. Bokuto caught most of the semen on his hand, only a dribble of it smearing onto his tummy with Kuroo’s cock still pushing a few more times. Bokuto slowly realised that he was still wearing his shirt and hoped that he hadn’t gotten any sperm on it.

Kuroo hugged his legs tighter before letting go. He pulled his cock out of the hold of Bokuto’s legs with a quiet whine. Slowly Bokuto lowered his legs onto the bed. The sticky mess of come and lube felt odd between his legs, it made his heart clench with a feeling of being used before he calmed down again just by looking at the way Kuroo’s brow was sweaty and how he stretched almost lazily.

Bokuto became aware of the semen on his hand and his arm twitched as he wondered how to get rid of it without making a mess.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said wearily and crawled closer.

Before Bokuto could say anything Kuroo took a hold of his wrist and lifted the dirty hand to his mouth. He proceeded to lick his come off Bokuto’s hand, paying attention to each finger as carefully as the palm. He remained in eye contact with Bokuto, dark lashes casting a shadow over his beautiful eyes as his pink tongue licked over Bokuto’s skin.

When Kuroo finished with Bokuto’s hand he bent down and licked the few droplets off his stomach. Bokuto felt the touch in his cock, although it wasn’t enough to get him going again. It was a pleasant feeling that he had never experienced before. He had kissed plenty of bellies, but no one had kisses his before.

“What are you thinking?” Kuroo asked and looked up.

Bokuto reached his hand to touch his boyfriend before remembering that it was still wet with Kuroo’s saliva. He wiped it on the bed before stroking Kuroo’s cheek and along his jaw with soft fingers.

“You,” he said, feeling slightly silly. “You’re amazing.”

Kuroo smiled so brightly that Bokuto wasn’t sure he had ever seen him like that before.

“You’re pretty amazing yourself,” Kuroo said with a chuckle, but his face was serious.

“I can’t believe this,” Bokuto whispered.

Kuroo crawled up to cuddle him.

“Don’t try to sabotage it for yourself,” he said and kissed Bokuto’s cheek. “You deserve to be happy.”

Bokuto wanted to believe Kuroo, and a part of him did. Then there was the other part that didn’t think it was right.

He told this to Kuroo, who listened to him seriously. It felt good, just to know that Kuroo could hear him. Kuroo did care.

“I’ll stay by your side,” Kuroo said. “I’ll remind you every time you forget. I won’t leave you, Bokuto.”

Bokuto wanted to ask why, but he was too scared of what Kuroo might say. Instead he nodded and relaxed next to his boyfriend, content to be with a person who made him feel like somebody.

And Kuroo stayed true to his promise. Every time Bokuto freaked out, Kuroo was there to help him. And when Bokuto finally had the confidence to tell Kuroo that he loved him, Kuroo cried with happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry the ending is so stupid but I've had a hard time writing this and just wanted to finish it in some easy way that would still see Bokuto get more comfortable with himself and the relationship.
> 
> I've been super tired while writing/reading so I probably missed some horrible mistakes.
> 
> I have [a dedicated writing blog](http://mean-whalewrites.tumblr.com) but also sometimes talk about writing [on twitter](http://twitter.com/mean_whale), but to follow me on twitter please be over 18!


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